The aim of an argument or discussion should not be victory, but progress.”
-Joseph Joubert
Hello mates once again! Hope the above quote gives you some insight on what I’m going to blog today.
Most people feel that having conflict means the relationship is in jeopardy. However, conflict itself doesn’t necessarily damage a relationship. It is more about how the conflict is being managed and resolved that will allow relationship to grow.
In any situation, there will be some form of inequality in communication, specifically superiority.
For example, mother and daughter who each want to have the final say in the daughter’s lifestyle. A seventeen year old daughter works at a pub as a part-time waitress and comes home late every night. Thinking that her daughter might have gone astray, the mother aggressively interrogated the daughter when she returned home. The daughter thinks her mother is being very cold towards her.
Very clearly, the parties have failed to recognize the content and relationship issues in an interpersonal communication.
- The content in this conflict is the issue with coming home late at night.
- The daughter did not inform her mother of her new job and failed to let her know what time she will be back home and thus failed to acknowledge the relationship dimension.
Therefore, the solution is to define both content and relationship issues. Define the content issue by compromising the time to come home as well as the underlying relationship issue to let each other know of their situations. Avoid mind-reading. Ask directly and politely. Empathize. Use a win-win approach as people are more likely to abide by the decisions reached in a win-win outcome than they are in win-lose resolutions.
uhm.. The daughter has to understand that for the elders, they have always seen pub as a complicated place where there are drug dealers and pimps. So I think that the mother will still be equally worried for her daughter, especially she is only seventeen years old,after their discussion.
ReplyDeleteCompromising time to come home is good but I think the mother would ultimately be looking out for 'changing a job' possibility.
TingTing, I totally agree that having a strained relationship is not the end of story, both parties should make the effort to resolve the conflicts.
ReplyDeleteI believe take a step back, manage emotions, and empathize with the other person will clear the picture and effectively help in sorting out the problems.
Thanks Zhiyan for your comment. Yeap! Although a compromise was being made, the mother would still want her daughter to change her job out of concern. Like I have said, so can we actually achieve win win situation in reality. Not very likely. Win win situation means 2 persons have to make sacrifices. perhaps after some time, one may not be satisfied with the sacrifices made previously and the root of the problem still remains unsolved.
ReplyDeleteHi Sally, yes that's not what I'm after either! A strained relationship creates so much awkwardness. For me, I have experience similar situation too. My mother and I had a very serious quarrel and we started not talking to each other. Of course, it's not very healthy especially this is a kinship. Nevertheless, like what you have said, there must be a compromise where each party has to be willing to change one perception and accept other's feelings and thoughts.
ReplyDeleteWell, in my opinion, i think that win win situation can only be achieved when both parties are willing to compromise. It's something that's not easy to juggle with. However, i think that with effective communication and an open heart that's open to constructive criticsm, a lot of times conflict can be avoided. For instance, the daughter wanted to work in the pub but her mother refused. I think that both parties have to work things out by communicating effectively. Look at the pro and cons of that particular situation before coming to a conclusion. By doing so, conflicts between them can be avoided.
ReplyDeleteHello! I also think that in reality, win-win situations are possible, the key point being that both parties being willing to compromise.
ReplyDeleteGood communication skills are needed for both mother and daughter to see each other's viewpoints. The daughter has to understand that her mother is only concerned about her well-being; the mother has to realise that her daughter may be seeking independence by finding a job. If both are willing to compromise, like the mother allowing the daughter to take up an alternative job (one which ends earlier), and the daughter acknowledging her mother's concern for her and settling on a "safer" job, the situation can still come out as a win-win scenario.
Agree to what you guys say, that it does take both parties to comprise to each other before a win-win situation is achieved. In this case, because they are mother and daughter, the willingness to compromise is much greater than in any other situations. One can simply stay away from a friend whom he/she has constant conflicts with, change a job /department when met with difficult colleagues, but blood ties should not be broken because of such trivial matters. Hence, it all depends from situation to situation, where people have different level of tolerance and willingness to make compromise.
ReplyDeleteHello tribal leader!
ReplyDeleteWin-win is owl yes? Compromise is fox? Haha, language that only we can understand. *hides* I feel that most people would actually try think about win-win situations, without the need to tell them to do so. It's really a "normal instinct" especially when it comes to a personal, close relationship.
However, how many times do we actually have the opportunities to have win-win resolutions to problems? The biggest problem with win-win answers is that they cost too much time and energy. "Taking too much time and energy to plan an action precludes the action itself" and therefore no problem may be solved. We CAN achieve win-win approach in reality, but it depends heavily on the context of the problems.
In this situation, the daughter is her late teens. It is probably easier to talk to her mother as an adult (outside help) than her daughter. It also greatly depends on how well their relationship has been before this incident. Simply asking them to communicate to each other may not be easy because they fail to realise each others' intentions. It will be good to talk to both and try to let each of them see the other's point of view. In the end, it takes time to instill the skills of communication to both of them to resolve this conflict.